Questions Without Answers

I’m not sure what it is, but something is compelling me to get rid of anything that no longer holds a purpose in my life. I started with the baby clothes, accepting on some level that, with my health issues, I likely won’t be having any more children. I saved anything that I had a strong emotional tie to, put some things away to give as gifts and sold/am selling the rest. I donated baby toys, the infant car seat and miscellaneous baby things. I went through the blankets, sheets and towels and gave away any we don’t use or don’t need. Tomorrow a truck is coming to pick up some boxes of things that didn’t sell at our last garage sale. I donated my old one man tent to victims of the forest fires. I sent my best friend a package yesterday with some beads and porcupine quills from my collection that I thought she’ll like. I found a necklace in my costume jewellery that I can picture my friends daughter playing princess in. I’ve donated books, clothes, curtains, etc.

I wonder what is really driving me to release all these things. I’ve never been a pack rat and have always purged regularly, but this time I’m finding it so easy to let go of things. Why is it so different this time? Is it to simplify my life? Is it to feel like I’m doing good onto the world? Is it to have less to clean? Is it to accept what’s going on? Is it so that, when I look around me, I only see the things I love? Or, the more morbid, am I afraid I may no longer be here, and I don’t want the burden to fall on someone else?

I see my neurologist tomorrow. I have no idea how the appointment is going to go, since I hardly know how to explain how I feel, or even, what’s relevant to his expertise. The main thing I’m hoping for is to establish whether or not I have Myasthenia Gravis, because then maybe my treatment can finally progress. Things are so up and down lately. One day I feel relatively okay, and can do some gardening and shower and make dinner, and the next day I feel helpless. Last night I felt fairly well and took my dog for a walk after dinner. In total we went 3 blocks, but I wasn’t sure if I was even going to make it home. I was stumbling and had to close my eyes so I wouldn’t fall down. I barely made it back into my bed so I could recover. There’s just so many different things going on that I don’t know what’s a symptom and what’s just part of the idiosyncrasies of my body. And I have no idea what specialist to tell what. I’m being followed by an endocrinologist, neurologist, respirologist and I’m waiting for an appointment with a gastrointestinist.

Chronic illness is hard.

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