October 13, 2016
I want to write. I need to write right now, but I don’t know what to write about. I’ve had a horrible afternoon. The chest pressure and pain has been very intense, and I took an Aleve around dinner time. I’ve never asked any doctors for pain medication. The last thing I need is for them to start thinking of me as a drug seeker. But to be honest it never really occurred to me to treat the pain instead of finding the root cause of it. I’ve only really considered it within the last week. I have many concerns of course, with the biggest being discounted by doctors as a drug seeker, but I also fear addiction, side effects, and complacency in finding the cause of the pain. I don’t often take Tylenol or Aleve, maybe once a week, but I know long term use is not good for your liver. I’d like to discuss it with my family doctor, but I know he’d just ask me what I want to do, assuming I’ve already researched and made my decision. I’d be open to the idea of medical marijuana as long as I could get an oil or something. It’s my understanding that you don’t get high from the oil. As a devout stoner in my college years, I’ve had enough of that and really don’t want to be that type of parent or even adult for that matter.
It’s a rough day. One of those days that I cried, and I really don’t do that very often anymore. It’s exhausting to cry and doesn’t actually help anything. I lay on my bed listening to my son play with the new toys he got for his birthday last weekend and let the hot tears run down my face. My husband came in the room and looked at me sympathetically, but didn’t say much. What can he say at this point? What can anyone say?
The leaves are falling and the air is getting crisp. Another season is over and I’m not improving. I’ve picked all the tomatoes from the garden and canned pasta sauce. The carrots, beets and parsnips are waiting patiently in the ground for a day that I have enough energy to process them. The last week was spent recovering from the previous week, which was spend preparing for my sons 5th birthday party.
He always seems to pick themes that are impossible to easily buy decorations or loot bag toys, and this years snake theme was no exception. I gave it my all though and he and I had a photo shoot with him in his snake costume for the invitations, he painted loot bags, and we got creative and crafty with the loot bag toys. It took me 3 hours, and I had to kneel on a chair for most of it, but I made him a snake cake that all the kids thought was cool. Because of the renovations we had the party at a museum that just happens to be having a snake exhibit on this year.
At my councelling session this week, while I was describing/complaining about the things that exhausted me lately she brought up an article along the lines of “why we don’t need to make our kids childhood magical.” I had read it before and really did think it had a lot of good points. But where i thought it didn’t really apply to my situation was it seemed like the things the author was talking about were things mothers did on their own to enhance their children’s lives, whereas my son and I do these things together. Yes it’s exhausting, but we have so much fun together, and he appreciates everything we do, even thanking me before he goes to bed some nights for the craft we did together or for baking muffins. And as far as his birthday goes, I think it’s important that he knows that work happens behind the scenes of any event, and everyone involved should help out. Time spent with him is always worth the exhaustion that comes after.
The cake is always my surprise for him though. I stayed up far too late making chocolate frosting, sorting m and m’s by colour and swearing when my hands were shaking too much for me to place them carefully to make scales. It was a huge hit with all the kids, and it was worth the effort and consequences. I guess in the end I do want his childhood to be a bit magical, and on this rough day I’m thankful that I was able to pull it off.