Exhausted…Again

October 22, 2016
I know I use this word far too often, but this renovation is exhausting. There is not one room in my house that is clean or clutter free right now. I have no where to put anything and when I need to find something in the garage I have to reach or stand over a pile of construction materials or a bag of random junk. I can’t even fill my bird feeder because there is too much in the way of the heavy bag, and I don’t have the strength to empty it into the rubbermaid container we usually use. Waking up before the men get here at 8 is hard, and makes me wonder how I ever got to work for 7:30 every morning. My eyes have been so bad lately, and I’ve taken to using my dog as a pseudo service dog on my way back from walking my son to school. I take prolonged blinks, resting my eyelids for about 3 steps before opening them up again to get my bearings. I don’t know what I would do without my black Labrador retriever. He is such a support to me lately. I’ve taken to calling him my shadow. He never leaves my side and pays particular attention to me on my bad days. I miss the cat so much and can’t wait to be able to have him back to feel his soft fur against my skin and listen to his purring. 
It’s my husbands and my 11th anniversary today. 
October 24, 2016
I didn’t get to finish that last post. The excitement of going out for dinner the night before our anniversary caught up to me. It was a really nice time, we went out of the city to this trendy authentic Mexican place with out closest couple friends. The food was incredible and the atmosphere was really fun. I missed being able to have an alcoholic drink, but made the right decision and ordered a virgin watermelon cocktail, which was served in an actual watermelon, albeit about a quarter of the size of a regular watermelon. I enjoyed being in great company and eating flavourful food so much. It’s been such a long time since I had a night like that. I even felt well the whole time, remarking to my husband that I pretty much had a “normal person” day. It caught up to me the next day though. I still don’t expect it to happen and wonder if I’ll ever get used to the brick wall that seems to suddenly be put up around me. 
My legs are really hurting lately. It’s likely from the aquasize class I’m taking but I’m not prepared to stop it. Keeping my glasses on in the pool had helped my vision in the days following the class. I’ve been very nauseous lately, and have near constant pain in my left kidney area. I wonder if extra steroids would eliminate the pain, but I’m not sure if it’s right for me to take extra when there’s no discernible reason for my cortisol needs to be higher. I really need a follow up with my endocrinologist. 
I’ve been avoiding any and all phone calls to doctors to pursue a diagnosis. I know my first step is to call the last neurologist and figure out what he had said, and then to call my endocrinologist again and try to get an appointment. I’m procrastinating out of fear though, fear that it’s all a waste of time, fear that nothing will ever change. I’ve never really been a procrastinator, and this fear bugs me and makes me feel mentally weak. 

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