April 16, 2017
For three of the past four Easters we’ve vacationed at a Provincial Park in the South west corner of the province. We go with two groups of friends and share a condo with one of them. There’s so many things to do here and so many adventures to be had: mountain biking, hiking, off-roading, catching minnows and insects in the creeks, walking around, etc. There are countless opportunities for active fun, and with my newfound energy I don’t want to miss out on any of them.
But my body is fighting back. I’ve taken a bump of steroids before each excursion but I can’t really keep up. After my walk around the lake this morning in the freshly fallen snow I was panting and sweating profusely. I had taken an extra 10mg hydrocortisone before we started, about 10minutes into the walk I took another and I’m still not sure if it was enough.
Everyone is telling me to rest but it’s driving me mad. Why do they feel like they can tell me what to do? And why, if they see that I’m struggling, do they not just ask what they can do to help? I don’t want to rest, I want to do! It makes me feel very isolated and misunderstood. What I could give up though, is doing the dishes, tidying up, or entertaining my son. Any of those chores could be done by others before I get to it, and then maybe I’d be okay. It’s partly my fault I know. I have a hard time relaxing in general, and it’s close to impossible for me to do it when there’s a mess around.
I’m in another adjustment and acceptance period on the chronic illness timeline. If it was Addison’s all along, then I have to learn how to handle it all over again. I never really did try just pumping my body full of steroids so I could do whatever I wanted. I don’t know if it’s healthy or not, but I’m sick of missing out on things. That line of thinking is close to denial I know.
Chronic illness is hard. Every stage of it is hard and you never get away. You can take a vacation from your job, family, city and responsibilities but you can never leave your defective body behind.