What Now?

May 4, 2017

Another chapter is beginning. I have a conference call tomorrow morning with my manager, disability management advisor, and labour relations advisor to determine my next step. I’m going back to work. I will start in the office, and part time, and then will see what I can do. 

I saw my endocrinologist as well. I’m staying on the prednisone, up-dosing with it for activity, lowering my thyroid replacement, and increasing my Florinef. Hopefully all those changes will bring about a healthy me, or at least as healthy as I can get. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around this being Addison’s all along, a flare-up and insufficient steroid coverage leading to near crisis for over 2 years. Or maybe it was all steroid myopathy brought on my mistreatment in the hospital. Perhaps I’ll never know what really happened. Perhaps it will happen again.  

I guess I’m just supposed to trudge on as if it’s all over; live life like I’m normal, forget about my fears. I’ve made a start by unfollowing any Facebook support group that doesn’t apply to me. It’s hard to move on. It’s hard to attribute symptoms to my pre-existing conditions and then try to manage them. My life is hard because my body is complicated. 

Now though, even when it’s hard I have a window to a better way. I’ve been biking and walking. Spending time outside actively is so refreshingly normal and rejuvenating. I’d like to say I feel like myself again, but I’m no longer sure who that is. I don’t know what to strive for or who to try to be. I no longer know if I care. 

This experience has taught me to live in the moment, because the next isn’t promised. For now, I just want to simply be.