Feeling Well?

April 13, 2017

I’ve been so well, uncharacteristically well, for almost 4 weeks! Every day I’ve gone for a walk, as well as kept up with the household chores and taking care of my son. I’ve done extra things like painting a dresser, de-owning more possessions, baking, meal prep, and social visits. I’ve done favours for friends and it’s made me feel so good to help loved ones. This is the best I’ve felt, continuously, in over 2 years. 
It must be the prednisone. 5 weeks ago I finally got around to testing it out instead of hydrocortisone. I’m on a fairly large dose for adrenal insufficiency, 12.5mg split into two daily doses, but it’s wonderful. I don’t feel like I’m constantly crashing. I wake up groggy and weak, but within an hour I feel ok, and it generally lasts for the rest of the day. My chest pain was almost non existent for a while, but as I feel better and increase my exercise, it creeps back in. Not nearly at the level it was before though. 

It’s definitely time to try working. The process is difficult though, and I feel like I can’t trust my manager because of his change in plans, and general unprofessional emails about it. I know I can do some office work, but am worried about what that looks like, and I don’t want to put myself in a position that will negatively affect my future. I’m most afraid of getting fired if I can’t do the job. If I go back with the proper supports and protocols in place that can’t happen, but if I forgoe those and do what my manager is suggesting, I’m afraid that’s a possibility. I believe his motives are pure and they just need me back because of increased workload, but I still have to protect myself. It’s unfortunate that it’s happening. It’s be nice if it was just easy and I could trust the system, but my priority is my and my families’ future. 

I see my endocrinologist in a week and a half. I plan to stay in the prednisone for at least the next 6 months to see how I feel. He may adjust it, but I’m okay with that. For now I’m just enjoying feeling this way. It’s been so long since my life wasn’t dominated by weakness and fatigue and in a way I feel reborn. 

When Life Gets Weird

June 18, 2017

I’ve been back at work for 2 weeks now, working 15 hours per week. It’s felt both natural and odd at the same time. It feels normal to be back in an office, in front of a computer like the majority of adults everywhere. I’m comfortable in the building and have no problems asking for the things I need (new chair, light bulbs changed, passwords for the printer, etc.) but at the same moment feel completely separate from the people around me. 

I don’t have much in common with my coworkers anymore. My priorities have changed so much and my outlook on life is drastically different than it was before. My career is only a small part of me now, and I hope to keep it that way. I want to do a good job and have my work be something I can respect, but I do not want to bring it home, either physically or emotionally. I do not want to sacrifice my health for a job anymore. I want to remember that, if I need to recover from an illness or injury, I can take a couple weeks off to do so. I do not want to wake up in the morning feeling like death, or fear falling in the street on the way to my car. I don’t want to give all my energy into something that doesn’t matter at the end of the day, and isn’t appreciated or noticed by my superiors. 

I don’t have much to say during coffee and lunch breaks, when everyone seems to be bragging about their material possessions or planning a new purchase. I sound like a fool when I mention something I don’t have (and don’t want) to a group that equates success with excess. 

I like how low stress my life is and I want to keep it that way.